It's been hurting for at least a month now. I never seems to really go away. It just changed intensity, it's like that itch you can't scratch, that one thing that you can't find the words to say or the guts to say it. Which seems to strangely parallel my events in life these days. I can never find the words anymore, I'm practically speechless. I have a date to prom, I think. I'm not really sure. I talk to her occasionally, not too much this spring break though. We've passed notes, that's the most I've really communicated to her. We talked on the phone for 3 hours one night, nothing was really said. I called her yesterday, prior to that it had been several days. She doesn't like me, her friend, my friend I suppose, had made that known to me. That's nice of her, but contradicts the way I've been treated... well until now. I could call both of them and settle it now, but why? Is it really my problem? Should I even care? If she wanted me to know, I would hope she'd tell me. I don't know if I could muster up the words to say what I think needs to be said. She said she'd call me back after we ended the called yesterday. She never did, forgetfulness or lack of compassion? Both are probable, in which case choice B seems even more probable. I don't think I care, I just want someone else to care, and right now that ain't happening. Putting forth unneeded effort is always disappointing, but determining how much is too much is the problem. Suprisingly enough, I'm not happy with it all. But that is selfish of me. I'm an asshole, I really am. I have this nasty habit of driving people away when they get to close. Well most people. I still think about her, Andrea that is. I miss her friendship, I really do. Only time I ever talked to her anymore was in class, and now we don't have any together. It's sad to see that fall apart. I'll be alright eventually, I'd just rather it if someone woudl tell me that so I wouldn't have to figure it out for myself. Lonely, I've been lonely without friends I can talk to. Not just talk, but really talk to, about everything. If only. I can't see myself being happy, especially with this headache. I submitted to the you issue that came out a couple weeks ago. 5 things this time I think. I don't write much anymore, and all I've really gotten is crap about what I submitted, except from kay and tam, but I'm skeptical of those too to be quite honest. I'm not a good friend, that's why i have none. I expect to recieve and rarely offer to give. My forearm hurts, I was frightenly depressed last night. I don't know if I could go to prom with someone who wants to treat me like that, or isn't even interested in me. What's the point in that? In that case I'd rather go by myself, instead of worry about a "date" who doesn't want nor need my attention. Hell, in that case, the only reason I'd even go is because dancing is fun. If she wants me attention she'll have to ask, and then she'll have to answer what i have to say. Otherwise I don't care. It all seems like a waste now. How could I be so stupid? What did I ever do to deserve this treatment? I honestly hate this feeling: lost and without friends.